June 24, 2011

I burn…

Posted in I and Me, Thoughts at 12:59 by onlyjaded

There is fire inside and I burn…  It is not only within but reaches out to singe everything I touch into burnt, blackened rage.

I feel the flames shoot from my eyes, my fingers and my mouth… lashing, hurting, intent only on destruction.  I shower sparks that can light up an age and cause the flames to spread.  I blow on them with breath of envy and anger; hurt and disappointment and I burn along…

Afterwards, I have only the reeking stench of ash and waste to remind me of what was or had been..

I am ash…

February 5, 2011

Analyzing My Apathy..I

Posted in I and Me, Thoughts at 00:33 by onlyjaded

It has been a long few days since I’ve written anything.  I don’t know yet if it was a deliberate exercise or something more than that.

I have been witness to one of the greatest miracles there is, a birth.  The strength and extraordinary thing that is a woman’s body change and adapt to hold and nurture a new life within her for months feeling it grow and breathe before going through a battle to bring it into the world…

And yet as fascinated I am by that element, I find myself removed from that situation somehow.  There is a part of me that still somehow remains a little untouched from all that is happening.

I am not denying the miracle.  I don’t deny the awe I feel every time I look at those 10 perfect little fingers and perfect little toes and every expression that passes over that small round face…


I wonder what my preoccupation is?  Rizq?  Sustenance?  I resigned from one job last month because of petty, ego related issues and the other I was fired from.  Sigh.  A lesson in humility.  For someone like me, who lived and breathed work for five years since a personally crippling disaster of a divorce suddenly being jobless threw me flat down… Where I am unable to register and remember and understand:


Or is it that I understand too well.  Isn’t rizq or sustenance tied to what I do?  A source online links the concept of rizq to five things:

  • Taqwa (To refrain from sin)
  • Salaah (Regular offering of five prayers)
  • Istighfaar (Repentance for sin)
  • Tawakkul on Allah (Trust in Allah)
  • Infaaq Fi Sabeel Allah (Charity in the Name of Allah)

How much of this do I do?  Am I a muttaqqee?  No.  I try in an odd half-hearted manner but I feel that the most basic act of lying, of half and untruths are so instilled in me that I am unable to recognize the truth that lies in front of me.  My own cowardice in confronting weaknesses in my self and actually slapping it down compels me to hide behind fabricated facades…Smoke screens murky and clouded with deceit.

And I am being blinded as those mentioned in the Quran?  The condemned?  Blinded to that which is truth and beauty and light and tied and tangled in all that is worldly…