December 8, 2010

First Reflections – Fear

Posted in Diary, I and Me at 22:34 by onlyjaded

Al-Jabbar – The Compeller

Al-Qadir – The All Powerful

Al-Qahhar – The Subduer

Al-Matin – The Forceful One

Al-Muntaqim – The Avenger

Al-Khafid – The Abaser

The names of my Allah Almighty and a testament to some of His supreme “attributes”…  And my absolute failure to comprehend them as I sin repeatedly, time and again, knowingly in all consciousness.  Strange how as I meander through these paths of my life strewn with darkness and filth without a care, my only absolute belief and conviction was in my Almighty’s attributes of

Ar-Rahman – The All Compassionate

Ar-Rahim – The All Merciful

Yet, today when my soul is crying for repentance, there is fear of Allah’s displeasure.

I felt no hesitation and shamefully admit that will probably feel negligible hesitancy in treading of the straight and narrow to please myself or another person in my narrow, stilted sphere of influence because my absolute faith was in His mercy and His forgiveness.

And today I have misplaced that faith in forgiveness.  I have visions of fire in my mind and a niggle worming its way into the depth of me, that the fire that awaits me is no more than that which I perhaps deserve.  After all, to sin all the way, with no heed to sanctity of faith or family or self; to sacrifice it to the altar of my own superficial, physical desires would bear fruit in eternal damnation.

Melodramatic?  Perhaps…  But I feel despondency at the thought of turning to The One for forgiveness and mercy when in my heart I know that perhaps for me, to stop myself from straying again into the abyss may not even be possible.  After all, isn’t a condition of forgiveness the absolute willingness and intention to not deviate again?

I spoke to a gentleman today at work, senior to me by far in years and in knowledge and I have to say in Wisdom.  I let my words touch perhaps the edge of my despair and my confusion, and he understood.  His reply came somewhat similar to this reference I found online today after coming home:

Narrated Abu Huraira: “Allah’s Apostle said, ‘When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, ‘My Mercy overpowers My Anger.’ ‘ (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Beginning of Creation, Volume 4, Book 54, Number 416)”

He spoke to me a bit about himself and his own contemplation, reverting again and again to “Infinite Rah-mah” and a term “Gumaan”.  Gumaan means presumption.  What the learned doctor was trying to speak to me of was of asking for forgiveness, faith and contentment presuming all in all that Allah’s Rahmah and mercy is infinite and all encompassing. For lack of a better metaphor, the theory I understand, but the practical appears to me to be a very different story.

He suggested I return to Allah and refer only to Him in whatever time I have, 15 minutes or 30 or maybe even just the time between lying down on the bed and going to sleep.  He suggested what he himself has been practicing.  After reciting the Ayat-Ul-Kursi and various other surah mubarkahs for protection, he sends “gifts” to Allah and the Prophet (Sall Allahu Alaihi Wa’Aalihi Wassalam).

He recites: Suban Allah e Wa Be Hamdehee ; Subhan Allah il Azeem in odd denominations (1, 3 or 11.  He prefers 11) and then entreats to Allah Almighty to accept his humble gift.

He then recites a Durood Sharif which I in my carelessness have forgotten but the intention remains.  The purpose to recite a Durood Sharif with emphasis and understanding of its meaning again in odd denominations and supplicate to the Almighty to deliver this gift to Hazrat Mohammad (Sall Allahu Alaihi Wa’Aalihi Wassalam) through it enable us to ask for His mercy and an easing of our hearts.

Jaza K’Allah sir for teaching me a little more.  Maybe I can try this and keep these lessons learned.  Ameen.

If only this choke hold on my throat would ease a little to allow me to breathe, In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful…

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