June 24, 2011
There is fire inside and I burn… It is not only within but reaches out to singe everything I touch into burnt, blackened rage.
I feel the flames shoot from my eyes, my fingers and my mouth… lashing, hurting, intent only on destruction. I shower sparks that can light up an age and cause the flames to spread. I blow on them with breath of envy and anger; hurt and disappointment and I burn along…
Afterwards, I have only the reeking stench of ash and waste to remind me of what was or had been..
I am ash…
February 5, 2011
It has been a long few days since I’ve written anything. I don’t know yet if it was a deliberate exercise or something more than that.
I have been witness to one of the greatest miracles there is, a birth. The strength and extraordinary thing that is a woman’s body change and adapt to hold and nurture a new life within her for months feeling it grow and breathe before going through a battle to bring it into the world…
And yet as fascinated I am by that element, I find myself removed from that situation somehow. There is a part of me that still somehow remains a little untouched from all that is happening.
I am not denying the miracle. I don’t deny the awe I feel every time I look at those 10 perfect little fingers and perfect little toes and every expression that passes over that small round face…
I wonder what my preoccupation is? Rizq? Sustenance? I resigned from one job last month because of petty, ego related issues and the other I was fired from. Sigh. A lesson in humility. For someone like me, who lived and breathed work for five years since a personally crippling disaster of a divorce suddenly being jobless threw me flat down… Where I am unable to register and remember and understand:
Or is it that I understand too well. Isn’t rizq or sustenance tied to what I do? A source online links the concept of rizq to five things:
- Taqwa (To refrain from sin)
- Salaah (Regular offering of five prayers)
- Istighfaar (Repentance for sin)
- Tawakkul on Allah (Trust in Allah)
- Infaaq Fi Sabeel Allah (Charity in the Name of Allah)
How much of this do I do? Am I a muttaqqee? No. I try in an odd half-hearted manner but I feel that the most basic act of lying, of half and untruths are so instilled in me that I am unable to recognize the truth that lies in front of me. My own cowardice in confronting weaknesses in my self and actually slapping it down compels me to hide behind fabricated facades…Smoke screens murky and clouded with deceit.
And I am being blinded as those mentioned in the Quran? The condemned? Blinded to that which is truth and beauty and light and tied and tangled in all that is worldly…
December 12, 2010
How can worldly love and the disappointing another person angry or disappointed or just sad, allow me to silence that part of me that screams against doing what I know is wrong and a gunah?
Why don’t I have the courage to let that person go or bear his mood and have faith in the Almighty for knowing what is best and preserving me from the shar of what may come?
It is my weakness that I allow Shaitaan to sway me. He takes the form of those I care for and those who profess to care for me and at the time, I in my state of mind, and am unable to even understand that those who would love me, would also care about what matters to me, no matter how insignificant it seems to them.
Oh, the shame of it…
December 8, 2010
Al-Jabbar – The Compeller
Al-Qadir – The All Powerful
Al-Qahhar – The Subduer
Al-Matin – The Forceful One
Al-Muntaqim – The Avenger
Al-Khafid – The Abaser
The names of my Allah Almighty and a testament to some of His supreme “attributes”… And my absolute failure to comprehend them as I sin repeatedly, time and again, knowingly in all consciousness. Strange how as I meander through these paths of my life strewn with darkness and filth without a care, my only absolute belief and conviction was in my Almighty’s attributes of
Ar-Rahman – The All Compassionate
Ar-Rahim – The All Merciful
Yet, today when my soul is crying for repentance, there is fear of Allah’s displeasure.
I felt no hesitation and shamefully admit that will probably feel negligible hesitancy in treading of the straight and narrow to please myself or another person in my narrow, stilted sphere of influence because my absolute faith was in His mercy and His forgiveness.
And today I have misplaced that faith in forgiveness. I have visions of fire in my mind and a niggle worming its way into the depth of me, that the fire that awaits me is no more than that which I perhaps deserve. After all, to sin all the way, with no heed to sanctity of faith or family or self; to sacrifice it to the altar of my own superficial, physical desires would bear fruit in eternal damnation.
Melodramatic? Perhaps… But I feel despondency at the thought of turning to The One for forgiveness and mercy when in my heart I know that perhaps for me, to stop myself from straying again into the abyss may not even be possible. After all, isn’t a condition of forgiveness the absolute willingness and intention to not deviate again?
I spoke to a gentleman today at work, senior to me by far in years and in knowledge and I have to say in Wisdom. I let my words touch perhaps the edge of my despair and my confusion, and he understood. His reply came somewhat similar to this reference I found online today after coming home:
Narrated Abu Huraira: ”Allah’s Apostle said, ‘When Allah completed the creation, He wrote in His Book which is with Him on His Throne, ‘My Mercy overpowers My Anger.’ ‘ (Translation of Sahih Bukhari, Beginning of Creation, Volume 4, Book 54, Number 416)”
He spoke to me a bit about himself and his own contemplation, reverting again and again to “Infinite Rah-mah” and a term “Gumaan”. Gumaan means presumption. What the learned doctor was trying to speak to me of was of asking for forgiveness, faith and contentment presuming all in all that Allah’s Rahmah and mercy is infinite and all encompassing. For lack of a better metaphor, the theory I understand, but the practical appears to me to be a very different story.
He suggested I return to Allah and refer only to Him in whatever time I have, 15 minutes or 30 or maybe even just the time between lying down on the bed and going to sleep. He suggested what he himself has been practicing. After reciting the Ayat-Ul-Kursi and various other surah mubarkahs for protection, he sends “gifts” to Allah and the Prophet (Sall Allahu Alaihi Wa’Aalihi Wassalam).
He recites: Suban Allah e Wa Be Hamdehee ; Subhan Allah il Azeem in odd denominations (1, 3 or 11. He prefers 11) and then entreats to Allah Almighty to accept his humble gift.
He then recites a Durood Sharif which I in my carelessness have forgotten but the intention remains. The purpose to recite a Durood Sharif with emphasis and understanding of its meaning again in odd denominations and supplicate to the Almighty to deliver this gift to Hazrat Mohammad (Sall Allahu Alaihi Wa’Aalihi Wassalam) through it enable us to ask for His mercy and an easing of our hearts.
Jaza K’Allah sir for teaching me a little more. Maybe I can try this and keep these lessons learned. Ameen.
If only this choke hold on my throat would ease a little to allow me to breathe, In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful…
December 7, 2010
“La Ilaaha Ill Allah u Mohammad Ur Rasool Allah”
I was born to the sound of a prayer. ”Allah u Akbar”
And to be sure, the words first taught to me once I started to speak would have been the kalima.
“There is no God but Allah and Mohammad (Sall Allah u Alaihi Wassalam) is the messenger of Allah”.
And what do I have to show for it beyond that? Nothing but a scarred countenance a testament to my supplication to my nafs.
Today is the night of Muharram 01, 1432H, officially the start of the Muslim new year. According to the Islamic Calendar I was born on 02 Muharram. On the start of this new year, I received sms with the following prayer:
(Hisnul Hasin from Ibn Habban)
I know I have prayed for this new year to be a beginning of a life where my supplication is just to the will of Allah. Ameen.
This is just my first intention of a first step.